elation

I have to often wonder if I'm manic depressant, or at least manic-normal (if there exists such a thing). I catch myself grinning and riding these extreme waves of contentment, pleased with everything that invades my senses or impends in the near future.

I try not to analyze that too much. If I'm sad, ie sad for a long period of time, hell yes it warrants some investigation. But elation and general well being should not be questioned, just ridden. So yes, it is one of those mornings. I got up at six a.m. and made some Espresso for Lauren and myself... good coffee and a good laugh to start the day off. She's into quality (one shot of espresso + sugary cream) while I'm into quantity (a bit of cream, a shot of espresso, a whole lot of water). She pedalled off to substitute and I pedalled off to grade papers... both of us caffeinated enough to set p.r.'s (personal records) on our way to work.

Papers are graded, time sheet is turned in, and I'm back at my favorite local hangout; killing some time and rubbing my chin over the latest New York Times crossword puzzle. I have no clue what the rest of the day holds, though I'll try to substitute this afternoon, but am not too worried about it. There's a distinguished lecturer at the college around noon; something about Finite Microscopy, which I may drop in on.... funny to think that I may be up there within a semester or two, clad in a shirt and tie and GAP chinos trying my darndest to assert some form of intellect and professionalism. I'll let you know when that is, so you can come and laugh at my awkward change of character.

I've a lot to share regarding my new pursuits. It's almost as if I've realized my ignorance in a few areas of life and am hungry for knowledge. More on that later.

finito

Sort of a bummer way to end the year, the cycling year that is, but it's over. I feel like I've been trying to eek out motivation and good legs and a good head for the entire summer. Unfortunately, I'm shutting it down. I'd like to "buck up" and "pull my head out", to "show myself and everyone else what I'm capable of"; but I can't beat the feeling of being an under-dog and beyond repair.

Yeah, it's been a big year for me: depression then injuries then trying to scrape up what remained to race at a national level. But I'm sick of that excuse. In all truth everyone goes through serious stuff in life, and the champions are the ones able to persevere nonetheless. The hard part is the personal failure I'm facing, having to acknowledge that I couldn't rise above and shine after my issues.

That gives me a lot of things to digest over the approaching hiatus from cycling. What went wrong, why have I thrown in the towel in the face of this challenge? I know that there will always be bumps in the road, trancas y arrancas as the Spanish say, but will I learn to face them differently or repeatedly find a way to bury my head in the sand?

Thank goodness I'm in school; thank goodness I'm working; thank goodness I only have a limited number of hours per week to nerp out and over-analyze my being. This fall will be the best one of my life, I am anticipating, if I can keep a bigger perspective and continue to grow emotionally... It's just darn hard right now to not feel cheated (even if I myself am the cheator), and discontent with the year's athletic endeavors. Time to reprioritize and focus on my values in life... I'm actually really looking forward to joining a study group (see: spirituality) now that I'm not skipping town every weekend. Love, education, health... Breathe, Calvin.

Of course I'm still going to pedal, and of course I'll still be racing my buns off, I just wish I could have finished 2004 with a few good rides to carry my thoughts through the winter months. The winter serves as the ultimate "reset button" for cyclists... come January we'll all be on the same page fitness-wise, and I can begin to build up confidence in my abilities. Anyway, I'm out for now.

Education

It seems like I've been here all day, trapped (voluntarily) in the institute of education. My whole day has revolved around school. I got up this morning and ran Lauren over to Verizon elementary, bidding her farewell and good luck on her way to a substitute PE position. All she was missing was the classic plastic whistle around her neck... we'll work on that. That was seven hours ago, yet I'm still in the education mix.

The paperwork is filed and I'm ready to start working for the university. Hold on, you say! When did Calvin decide to approach BSU again!? Not only am I working for BSU, I am currently enrolled in my first two classes toward my master's degree. Hah hah. I caught the bug to start studying again somewhere around a month ago. Now look at me, six credits richer (and 1400 dollars poorer) and already feeling at home in my studies.

About work, I've managed to procure a job as a grader for three separate undergraduate classes. This is ideal, I'll make some cash and refresh my badly atrophied brain in the subjects of mechanical engineering. Dozens of Statics, Dynamics, and Mechanics of Materials students will soon feel the wrath of my red pen! Other than that, I'm still registered to substitute teach here in the valley, grades K-12, so between the two I should be able to come out ahead (or at least even) before re-draining my funds at next season's races.

Must say that I'm stoked to be back at school. The routine is good for my life.... I enjoy feeling like I'm keeping sharp and making progress toward a future career. Plus, I've learned a whole lot about myself this past year, and found that I have to sort of prove to myself that I'm more than just a bike rider. Balance is key.

blah, are you bored yet? I'm off to grade papers.

prolix

Well here we go. I first got the idea to start an 'online diary' from my friend and team mate Tommy Crawford, who has his own blog out there somewhere. Apparently, some of you all like to read my occasional updates, and I figured this would be a good option.

A good option because I won't clutter your mailbox with unwanted text, nor will I feel obligated to refine what I write (thus procrastinating filling you in on the details). So yeah, here we go. The title of this first blog, PROLIX, is one of my favorite words. It's defined as "excessively wordy", which certainly sets the tone for the upcoming entries. Hope you enjoy, or at least I hope it doesn't put you to sleep. This should be interesting...