finito

Sort of a bummer way to end the year, the cycling year that is, but it's over. I feel like I've been trying to eek out motivation and good legs and a good head for the entire summer. Unfortunately, I'm shutting it down. I'd like to "buck up" and "pull my head out", to "show myself and everyone else what I'm capable of"; but I can't beat the feeling of being an under-dog and beyond repair.

Yeah, it's been a big year for me: depression then injuries then trying to scrape up what remained to race at a national level. But I'm sick of that excuse. In all truth everyone goes through serious stuff in life, and the champions are the ones able to persevere nonetheless. The hard part is the personal failure I'm facing, having to acknowledge that I couldn't rise above and shine after my issues.

That gives me a lot of things to digest over the approaching hiatus from cycling. What went wrong, why have I thrown in the towel in the face of this challenge? I know that there will always be bumps in the road, trancas y arrancas as the Spanish say, but will I learn to face them differently or repeatedly find a way to bury my head in the sand?

Thank goodness I'm in school; thank goodness I'm working; thank goodness I only have a limited number of hours per week to nerp out and over-analyze my being. This fall will be the best one of my life, I am anticipating, if I can keep a bigger perspective and continue to grow emotionally... It's just darn hard right now to not feel cheated (even if I myself am the cheator), and discontent with the year's athletic endeavors. Time to reprioritize and focus on my values in life... I'm actually really looking forward to joining a study group (see: spirituality) now that I'm not skipping town every weekend. Love, education, health... Breathe, Calvin.

Of course I'm still going to pedal, and of course I'll still be racing my buns off, I just wish I could have finished 2004 with a few good rides to carry my thoughts through the winter months. The winter serves as the ultimate "reset button" for cyclists... come January we'll all be on the same page fitness-wise, and I can begin to build up confidence in my abilities. Anyway, I'm out for now.