here

Seems that this is my first taste of wi-fi, the wireless internet mayhem that is sweeping (OK, I am behind, past tense swept) the nation. So far it’s more than I could have dreamed…. Yank. In all actuality, this is the first time I chose to reward myself today by goofing off and surfing the net, instead of grading papers, calculating dynamics problems, or memorizing biomechanical jargon.

There you have it, those three terms summarize the last four weeks in my life, save the fifteen to twenty hours per week I spend prepping for the upcoming cycling season. A lot has passed in addition to classes and bikes, however, and I will do my best to inform.

First and foremost, my VeloNews article came out in this month (February 2005) issue. I have not even seen it yet! I knew that it would make this month's pages, but understood that the editor had to chop and reduce it to a side-bar case study due to spacial concerns. I feared that my article, already distilled and rendered down to its pure essence, would be over-chopped and make me out to be a freak, not a normal cyclist who fell into a common pitfall.

Thankfully I was mistaken, and apparently my article still has enough soul and coherency to reach out and smack some readers; evident from the emails I began and continue to receive starting last Thursday. I could not be more ecstatic about its effect those who read it: as one email respondent put it- "At first I was shocked, then empathetic, then amazed and inspired by your bravery." I am not trying to be a hero here, I just want to crack the lid a bit on what I believe to be a wicked sleeper problem. So far I am acheiving just that, and the emails continue to roll in.

Which makes me question some things, mostly regarding that of life's purpose. I am one hundred percent content with life right now: Lauren and I are doing awesome, school is plugging along at the perfect balance of challenge and reward, I am suddenly motivated to job hunt and apply my degree, and through this article my emotional health continues to ascend. But what about bikes? What about my future in this silly sport? Now that I've taken the emphasis off, diversified myself, what am I destined to acheive?

My mother raised me to believe in purpose, a God-given purpose, for my life. Whether you are 'religious' or not, whether spiritual or atheist or nihilist, the possibility of a pre-determined meaning to our existence is consoling. My mother also taught me (and tells me on a regular basis) that God would not 'dangle a carrot' in front of me and my dreams. Here then, is my fear, and the subsequent conflict with those teachings: What if my purpose in cycling was to enter the sport, progress just enough to become slightly high-profile, burn-out spectacularly in a binge/purge-fueled explosion, then tell my story and 'touch' other struggling athletes in search of perfection. Is it so wrong of me to want more? What if I am not content with only that. In a pure vein of stingy elitism, I still want to dominate this sport.

My article and its obvious affect is mind-blowing, yet the article is not enough to fulfill my personal expectations with this sport. Is it wrong to yearn for that podium opportunity, where I could look down and deliver my pre-rehearsed speech entailing the 'trancas y arrancas' (toils and hardships) I had to overcome to reach that level? Can I not feel I've paid the price and learned the hard way, now God may reward me by throwing my dreams at me full throttle? Is this justified or a gross misinterpretation of King-James Bible text? Am I still not at the right maturity to appreciate and swallow my future as it comes; if so is apathy a sign of personal growth?

Ramblings on a Sunday afternoon, subject to the cosmic forces of a male in his mid-twenties, a student on the weekend, a boyfriend on hour 78 away from his love, an aspiring world-class athlete on his rest day, and a conscious but searching scholar in the doldrums of spirituality. Here's to life and embracing what I've got, and not worrying too much about what is yet to come. Thanks.